Feeling left out is never easy. Being left out is even worse. Being left out and knowing there is nothing you can do about it, well that takes the cake.
Let me explain because it’s a messy situation that constantly leaves myself and my coaches feeling pretty shitty. Apologies in advance for some rowing terminology.
Ok so I row, you guys already know that. But what you don’t know is that I row at a higher level than the rest of my crew. This sounds great and in some respects it is, unfortunately it’s caused me nothing but hassle and leaves me feeling very deflated at times. Because I row at a higher level (due to years of me rowing as a junior) I usually have to be left out of crew races. The ladies I row with are novice, I am intermediate. It would be unfair to make them row at my level all the time and I am not allowed row at theirs. And because there is more of them than there is of me the novice boats (the eight in particular) are obviously priority. Which, don’t get me wrong, makes sense but it leaves me thinking, what about me?
I usually just gloss over it but Saturday was the first day I was really left out of the boat. And not because I wasn’t good enough and not because I don’t try hard enough, but because I simply didn’t belong. And it hurt. It hurt a whole heap. When I pushed the girls off the slip out into the water for their race and wished them luck I had a little cry to myself. That should’ve been me out there. I do my work, I get good scores and here I am on the bank. How is that fair? And that’s what really kills me… All the other women, if left out of the boat, will know it’s probably due to performance and know that they just need to pull up their socks even more (they work so hard as it is) and claw their way back into that boat. Me on the other hand, can do nothing. I could train all day, everyday and I will never be in that boat. I will never race novice with them.
Yes, we do have a club eight (novice mixed with intermediate) but there aren’t as many races and I still feel like an extra. And I also row in a double with one of the ladies. It runs well (we even win races) but it clashes with the eight so it’s hard to see that being a runner. Sure, I can hop into a single scull and just plug away at that. But single sculling is a lonely sport and I’m not “intermediate” standard at it.
Really, I just want to be part of the crew when the buzzer sounds.
I need these ladies to hurry on and move up a level so I can stop feeling like spare part…